so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
