What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
