mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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