those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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