Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
