lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
