I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
