I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
