what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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