The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
