This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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