dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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