the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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