i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just want nice things and good sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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