There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize