She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
