I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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