I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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