tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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