Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
