Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
