i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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