her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
