I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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