I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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