i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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