There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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