Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
