I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
