Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
