Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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