my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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