I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i already hear my dad disowning me
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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