I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
