i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
