You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
