I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Randomize
