I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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