Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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