If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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