Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
