is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
