I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
