I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
