the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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