So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
