and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
