I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize