Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
