the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize