just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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