well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
