Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I did not marry a roomba.
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