My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
