i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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