Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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