I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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