Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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